Allison Roberts

City Newspaper 2001

What not to do at a holiday party

In a world without worries (laws, manners, or conscience), anything goes. As it is, however, that world doesn’t exist (yet). So before heading off to that yearly holiday party, take a moment to brush up on your Miss Manners etiquette book, and dig around in the darkest recesses of your mind, until you find the area that houses self control.

Fashion tips for holiday parties:

Ladies, green iridescent eye shadow and pulsating red lipstick don’t scream out, “HOLIDAY!” The combination of colors, actually scream out that you habitually attend craft fairs, own more than one sweatshirt with a teddy bear sewn on it, and are completely at the mercy of Soap Opera Journal for fashion tips. Don’t try to be cute and dress up as the Virgin Mary either. It’s not a great way to meet men, and the swaddling clothes are a fire hazard. Men, please (though it may seem very funny), don’t place Mistole Toe on your belt buckle. And for crying out loud, don’t hang ornaments off your nipples. Not only is it an invitation for infection, but it also gives the wrong impression to co-workers.

Gifts for the holiday party host:

If your host is a bit on the elderly side, avoid bringing peanut brittle. Dentures are extremely realistic looking these days. Rum balls, lime Jell-o in the shape of the cross, and a Grinch pie bought at a Narcotics Anonymous bake sale, aren’t a safe bet either. If you wish to bring non-edible gift-items avoid: an ornament with last year’s date etched on it, ten lords a leaping from a local Escort service, and Frankincense, Mir, or gold.

Topics of discussion to avoid:

Topics of conversation can be slippery at festivities—especially office festivities. To be safe try not to: brag about your Yule log, say your greatest desire in life is be a “ho, ho, ho,” or reflect on the fact that candy canes remind you of your ex-lover. You may also wish to skip your theory about Santa having homosexual tendencies, or Rudolph’s red nose being the result of a drinking problem. And for Goodness sake, if you’re feeling a bit “windy” from eating the pepper cheese, don’t describe your gas pains to the person fixing a plate next to you; just step outside.

Activities to avoid:

Even if there is an agenda for the evening, boredom can still rear its ugly head. Still there are some activities that are safe to partake in at holiday parties—Twister, Charades, Pictionary—and some that are down right risky. If you find yourself bored to tears, please take up a game of cards, or suggest a nice brisk walk to your date. But do not, for any reason, start sipping off of other people’s drinks (especially if you are wearing a unique shade of lipstick), because you will more than likely be traced. Don’t suggest making up dirty words to Christmas Carols, bobbing for wise men, or Christmas caroling if the party is being held in a predominately Jewish neighborhood.

Licking all the Christmas cookies, one by one, is completely unacceptable as well. And whatever you do, don’t stand at the food table and comment on how the bean dip looks exactly like fecal matter, or crawl under the table to feed the dog (even if the dog is more entertaining than the host).

Knowing when it is time to say good-bye:

There are some telltale signs that it is time to depart from a holiday gala: if you have just torn an ornament off the tree, to use as a mirror to reapply your lipstick with, get out. Also, if you have begun photocopying your butt in the back room, you can bet it’s a good time to say adios. Breaking out your Mary Kay cosmetics to sell around the piano, or dancing alone in the corner with a gyrating Santa, are also very strong indications that it is time to GO HOME.

Don’t be discouraged by the number of holiday gigs you must attend this year. All will be well (and perhaps even fun), if you follow these simple guidelines. Oh, and one more thing: don’t hit on the host’s grandmother’s date.

City Newspaper 2001

Car Fanciers

“It’s suicide to own a vintage car and not be in a car-club,” says John Strawway, a restoration contractor. “Where else can you find a distribution cap for a 1925 Franklin?”

Strawway started collecting as a boy. Encouraged by his parents, he began stowing away Christmas liquor decanters, shells, and rocks. Eventually, he moved on to bigger and better things: vacuum cleaners, mixers, and cars.

Mark Chaplin, John’s partner and car collecting cohort, is a relatively new collector, and has since caught the fever. Combined, the team owns 12 cars, ranging from a 1925 Franklin to a 1976 Cadillac convertible.

John’s favorite cars are Cadillacs. “If you drive a Porsche or a BMW—into certain neighborhoods—you’re sneered at, but with a Cadillac, no matter where you go people wave at you. It’s like a shared love.” Strawway’s first Caddy was a 1966 all-Gold beauty, which he bought in 1987. Can’t you just hear Barry White now?

Chaplin, a financial consultant, prefers a good old-fashioned Franklin. He concentrates on collecting any car made before the 1950s, that is manufactured in New York State.

“Locally manufactured cars are a lost art form. So we try to collect things that have been made in New York—and not just cars, by the way. We also collect local furniture, clocks, and art as well,” Chaplin says.

Chaplin and Strawway believe that cars are just a continuation of the industrial revolution—no different from clocks really. Clock manufacturers were rampant in the 1830s, but by the 1870s, there were only about 10 clock makers left. New York state car manufacturers met the same fate during the depression, when local companies like Pierce Arrow (out of Buffalo), Franklin (a Syracuse company), and Rochester’s own Cunningham Motors closed down.

“Some of the finest cars were made here in Rochester,” Chaplin points out. “But not many people know that.”

In order to be included in car-club shows, Chaplin and Strawway have found themselves staying in hotels, located at the end of airport runways, and in college dorm rooms. Both agree, however, that although these may be less-than-perfect sleeping arrangements, the people they meet at the car-club shows make it all worth it.

“People who I’d never get a chance to meet in any other circumstance, are suddenly talking to me,” Strawway says. “When a man walks up and says, ‘Hey, my dad had a car just like that,’ that’s what it’s all about.”

From Strawway’s and Chaplin’s perspectives, the best part of owning a parking garage full of vintage cars is being able to share them, and talk about their history. And yes, the two car fanciers drive all the vehicles they own—often—and share the pleasure with friends.

While out joyriding, the most important accouterments to have on hand, according to Chaplin and Strawway, are: a fire extinguisher, a large piece of plastic, their dog Sheba, a poop bag, a cell phone, and their AAA cards.

The worst cars ever created, labeled by the duo, are any of the cars made in the 1970s. “And the one’s from the 1950s were pretty ugly too,” Chaplin pipes in.

When asked which car they’d want to have with them if they were stranded on a desert island, Chaplin responds: “Does the island have paved roads and gasoline?”

City Newspaper 2001

Ways to keep the holidays fun

Ah, the snow, the refreshing cold breezes, the ice-skating, and hot cocoa. Winter. What fun! What exhilaration! What a way to lose your mind. Fess up: You’re beginning to pull out small clumps of hair, and you no longer find the snow charming, or the scraping of your car windshield “just part of the season.” You’re pissed off and ready to kill anyone (mostly skiers), who have the audacity to say they love winter.

But there is help. All you need to do is use your imagination, and find your sense of humor again. Read on for some cabin fever relievers.

Games

Paper-cut-crazy eights puts a new twist on an old game. The object is to wait until your opponent reaches for a new card, then whack his hand with your card. Whoever manages to actually draw blood, wins.

Basketball/sockhockey/dodgeball isn’t just for kids! Make a tin foil ball (steal the cat’s if necessary), and remove your shoes. Kick the little metal blob toward your opponent’s trashcan. If your opponent manages to kick the ball away from you before you score, he can pick it up. However, he can only use his hands once he’s recited two verses of Dr. Seuss, OR one verse of Lewis Carol, rubbed his head twice, and put his left foot in. If he manages to do all of this without getting punched, he can choose to either whip the tin foil ball at his opponent, or make a basket. Scores vary depending on the level of pain involved.

Weird personality traits charades is another winner. Pick a characteristic (i.e.: full body spasms, unraveling of DNA, hair loss, arm flailing, nose-picking, etc), and then try to guess the person’s quirk. If you can’t figure out what the other person is trying to act out scream, “you suck,” and the person will automatically lose his turn.

Blindfold-sharp instrument-tag is not only fun, it can also be played with any sharp object in the house. (Suggestion: do not use a machete, since your neighbors may misinterpret your actions and call the police.) Blindfold your partner (use burlap if you wish to cause eye irritation), hand him a sharp utensil, turn him around in circles until he is dizzy, and then run away from him.

Not up for physical games? Then try the profanity challenge. The object here is to take turns stringing together as many dirty words as possible, and then recite them out loud. To add to the level of difficulty, try adding alcohol, and singing the combined nasty words over the phone to a stranger. Who ever wins (decided by group vote), is allowed to pass gas at least once, without excusing themselves.

Philosophers vs. New Age lecturers is a fun activity, and a great way to spend a wintery afternoon. Come up with some of your favorite philosophers, and/or New Age gurus, take on their personalities, and battle it out. For example: Kierkegaard vs. Anthony Robbins might be a hoot to watch. Pitting Socrates, and that dark haired lady with the big white teeth (what’s her name? Oh yeah, Mary Ann Williamson,) against one another, might spark many hours of lively conversation. The key to this game is to insult each other’s intelligence and belief systems, and not listen to anything anyone has to say. (Hint: if you are having a difficult time doing this, imagine Rush Limbal or Dr. Lara Slesinger.)

Another fun game that doesn’t require physical assertion is the Math problem challenge. Try to come up situations that are as inane and idiotic as the ones you learned (or didn’t), in grade school. For example: “If you invested half of your money into Starbucks Coffee stock, and a quarter of your kid’s college fund into Harley Davidson stock, how much of the Kodak stock your grandmother is threatening to leave you with should be sold in order for your In-laws to be able to afford to move out? Especially since it is an hour after the train traveling 80 miles per hour left for Des Moines, carrying fifty-seven cows stricken with clover-indigestion, and seventy-eight bald pigs.

Activities

Not a game person? Here are some other activities to keep you going this winter: An EMT theme cabin party. Rent a cabin and fill it with smoke. Then take turns rescuing the blow up doll your uncle Harold just “happened” to have in his attic. To add to the challenge, don’t use a blow up doll. Instead take turns being the victim. Remember to bring plenty of blankets, inhalers, and oxygen tanks.

Rename your children is another zany activity which can bring hours of gut-busting fun. Come on, admit it, we all have at least one, “are you incapable of picking up your socks?” And more than likely two, “get up off that couch before atrophy sets in” living among us. (Suggestion: wait until the kid’s aren’t in the same room).

Vacations are a great way to break up the monotony of winter too. However, if you can’t afford to go to the tropics, you can always bring the tropics to you. Turn the heat up until a bead of sweat develops on your upper lip, and take off your clothes. Make tropical flowers out of construction paper, and fill all your ice-cube trays with rum. Turn on Don Ho, and go fishing in the bathtub, using the worm from a bottle of tequila as bait. You may also wish to bring in a sand box and make sand art, or bury each other. (For added realism, wait until your partner is buried up to his chin, and then blow sand in his face, claiming you are the “wind”).

Craft projects are another winning way to alleviate boredom. Try these on for size: Butterfly underwear, pasta sex toys, and lamp shade faces.

To create butterfly underwear take a pair of briefs (the bigger the better), and apply paint to the backside of the briefs. (It is important to place the paint exactly where the butt cheeks meet.) Once you have the paint where you want it (you may need to wear them in order to accurately place paint), squeeze cheeks together, then release. The paint should make a unique “wing-like” pattern on your behind.

Pasta sex toys can be made with any type of pasta you like. *Caution: the bigger the pasta—lasagna for example—the bigger the sex toy you’ll create. Suggested pastas: large shells, fettuccini, and Manicotti.  Experiment with El Dante style or well done. See what develops.

For lampshade faces professional enough to wear at the next company party, start by collecting a variety of lampshades. Line them up at the kitchen table or work area, and decorate according to personality style. Suggested materials: glue, scissors, feathers, ribbon, paint, ink, metal, rubber, taxidermy eyes, and fake blood.

Try these suggestions to rid your winter blues, or come up with your own. All in all, winter should be a fun season (it has to be considering how long it is). So find ways to enjoy it, and remember that if all else fails, you can always go to sleep.

City Newspaper 2001

From City Newspaper “Best of”

Category: Best outside location to have sex

Sex in your own backyard

If you’re a sex exhibitionist, your backyard probably isn’t the best location to do the nasty (unless you live in an apartment complex). But for those of you more modest types, go out back near the garage and knock yourselves out. Your backyard doesn’t have to resemble the “I-have-money-to-burn” landscapes displayed in House and Garden. A ten-by-ten mound of dirt will suffice, if you have the right atmosphere and tools. Try: getting rid of the kids (duh), lying down on a nice cozy blanket (unless you dig grass burns), popping open a good bottle of wine (alcoholics should bypass this suggestion), arranging a cheese and cracker tray (lactose tolerant folks only), and turning on a boom box to drown out your cries to God. Come on; live a little.

Category: Best place to people-watch

Jines restaurant

If you enjoy people-watching, visit Jines restaurant on Park Avenue. Sitting in the gargantuan booth near the window, one might see a family of hamburger-eating clones, chowing down before heading off to the museum. In the booths along the wall to the left, single guys with roving eyes munch on BLTs. Girls wearing super hip clothes, talk amongst themselves about the guy gnawing on the BLT. On the right, you’ll find business types, eating salad while talking on their cell phones, and the older population as well, who choose this section to escape the chill of the door. Situated in the center of the restaurant, you’ll usually note people or groups of people, too large or loud to fit in the booths. And perched on the stools at the counter, sit the regulars, locals, and folks who managed to scrape up a few bucks for lunch. The food at Jines is good, the servers are nice, and there doesn’t appear to be a day (or night), in which the art of “people watching” lacks substance.

Category: Eavesdropping

Marketplace Mall

”No, he did not steal your underwear!” Stomp, shuffle, trip. “So I said to her ‘could you try finding the vein first?’” Slip, swear, grunt. There is no better place to eavesdrop than at Marketplace mall. Without specific ethnic populations, social-economic groups, or age ranges of people shopping at the mall, the conversations one might hear are a mish-mash of diversity. Teenagers go out of their way to be heard so getting the goods on a rave party gone-bad is no challenge. The elderly tend to yell about their various issues while walking laps together. Young mothers, desperate for another adult to speak with, tell anyone who looks even remotely sane how their little snookums just pooped in the JC Penny bathroom. Eavesdropping techniques: get a cup of coffee, and position yourself on a bench in front a major department store (SEARS is stellar). Sip your hazlenut, lean in toward the pedestrian traffic flow, and wait patiently. Bring a notebook as well, so that the next time you overhear some juicy sex story, transvestite mystery, or murder plot, you’ll be prepared.

Category: Best place to have a peak experience or Epiphany

490 Expressway

Though traffic jams are the pits, great ideas have been born out of them. Take for instance your average accountant (we’ll call him Bob). Bob is late for a meeting with-wealthier-than-God old Mrs. Smith. And there is a one-lane traffic monstrosity on 490 East (surprise, surprise). Bob’s in agony because he knows how sadistic and fickle Mrs. Smith is. And just as he’s about to inflict pain on the driver next to him, he suddenly has the biggest Epiphany of his life: Bob wants to be a rock star. Up goes the volume on the radio, and Bob begins to rock out to Nine Inch Nails. Who would have thought he had it in him? After Bob soothes Mrs. Smith with his imitation of Metallica performing Perry Como, he goes home and pulls out his dust-laden guitar. Moral: the next time you are at the mercy of construction workers, take a deep breath and let your mind have a bit of wanderlust. The insights that come to you could change your life forever.