Allison Roberts

by Allison Roberts

“You need to restructure your thinking on aging.” This statement from my therapist. I go in to see him, for what I refer to as, “tune-ups,” from time to time. And this is one of those times.

I recently found out I have arthritis in my neck, which finally explains the pain I’ve been feeling for the past five years, and the sometimes impossible rotation of my head while trying to back my car out of my driveway. The diagnosis is good news on the one hand—at least I have an answer to my pain and stiffness—but on the other hand, it also brings up a whole slew of issues and emotions I’d rather not get involved with.

Isn’t arthritis what “old” people get?

For crying out loud, I am only 45 years old, and very active. I am what some people refer to as “an adrenaline addict.” I love the high of working out. I have been working out—rather hard—since I was 22. Running, aerobics, weight lifting, hiking, biking—you name it.

I have pretty high standards for myself. I realize. And that makes life both more interesting because I push myself to do more, but it also leaves me feeling stressed when I am unable to accomplish a goal. (I should find a cure for cancer, stop world hunger, AND have abs of steel; don’t you know?) But in reality, I have a sore left knee, aching hip flexors, and a neck, which at times is about as flexible as steel cable.

The arthritis diagnosis comes at the end of a very hard year for me: I lost my mother to brain cancer, my sister in law went through breast cancer and a mastectomy, my mother in law battled some pretty severe depression, and I watched my daughter enter High School. When did I become old enough to not only lose a mother, but also have a daughter in high school?  I look in the mirror and it ain’t all bad, but sometimes I’ll catch site of myself and think, “Who is that?”

Now let me add this to the scenario—and truly I hope I don’t sound too much like a whiner—but my husband is ten plus years younger than me, recently opened a *Crossfit and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu gym/school, was once a gymnast, is a brown belt (soon to be black belt) in BJJ, and is in terrific shape.

Hmm…are you grasping my line of my thoughts here?  Will he view me as a wimp when I can’t do a pull up now? Will he wish I could do double unders (double jump rope—in other words, rope goes under your feet two times in rapid succession,) and not just skip rope in a skipping fashion, like a little girl? Does he secretly wish my knee wasn’t wrecked so I could join him in the races he sometimes does for charity? And lastly, will he leave me for someone who is more athletic and, well, frankly, younger and more “spry?”

It is hard for me to admit that I cannot do some of the things I used to do. It pisses me off. I fight the negative voices in my head that tell me I am weak, vulnerable; unfit. I have been brought to tears in the gym, when I am trying to lift a weight over my head and I cannot do it without my neck rebelling. I get unreasonably enraged.

When I was a kid, I was very athletic. I was intensely competitive, especially with boys. I wanted to do whatever they did, and just as well. I had older brothers whom I wanted so much to emulate.  I wanted to prove that I was able to throw a football, kick a ball as far as any boy could, and lift a dresser and move it across the room. And I did all of those things, by the way, and rather well. I believed that boys had it better—had more freedom, more respect, and because they were physically stronger, they were better protected. This belief served me well as a child—kept me motivated, moving forward, and pushed me to excel. But honestly, it serves no purpose anymore. Feminine strength is just as important as masculine…emotional strength, is just as revered (or should be,) as physical. It’s time to say bye-bye to the old voices, and make room for new ones.

So what is a woman, who views herself as athletic and in good shape to do, when she has to rearrange her work outs and her mind set? How do I rearrange my thinking to accept where and who I am right now?

Well I have a few ideas (and the list is growing!):

More yoga and different styles as well: Yoga is great for working the muscles without high impact pounding on the bones.

Increase my meditation practice: I always feel better when I do this, so why is it that I don’t do it more? I vow to do so.

Boxing: just because I think it’ll feel really great to slam into a bag, or someone’s target gloves—great release of tension.

A few series with personal trainers: to get not only individualized attention and focus on my level of ability and limitations, but also to learn various styles of exercises from a few more pros.

A discussion on psychotherapy: the benefits of having a support system, for overall emotional well being, looking at the taboo of seeing a therapist, and how psychotherapy has changed over the years.

Various diets: and when I say diets, I don’t mean necessarily diets to lose weight. I mean diets that are geared toward specific results, IE: the blood type diet.

Workshops/retreats: health related—emotional, physical, and mental.

Discussions/interviews with people in the health fields: dietitians, therapists, Yogis, body builders—you name it.

DVD exercise write ups: A chance to hear what I have experienced by working out in the comfort of my own home, and what I think of certain work outs.

All of this and more; which I will be sharing on a regular basis with you. You name it and I am willing to try it. So stay tune for a series of interesting, and insightful articles on all things “health.”